For a year, I've said "It's fine"


For a year now, I’ve said “it’s fine”. But deep inside, I know, and have known all along, that I haven’t really been able to keep up. It’s no secret. But I crawl along, push away, try to handle when it bubbles up, mourn, plan, study, enjoy the small things, hang out with beloved ones, and feel life just like it is right now.

But one day I sat on my bed. The gastritis had won. Stress symptoms that slowly break through the barrier. I’ve always been good on 6-7 hours of sleep, now need 10-11 and am still as tired the next day. I talk to people, turn around and can’t remember what we talked about. I zone out, disappear into nothing. I can’t understand easy instructions. Everlasting guilt over not doing what I should be doing. I have to study, but I can’t afford to study. I got a job and can afford to study but now don’t have the time to. The body gives in, sick leave from work. Stress builds up, feeling guilty for not being at work….

When I sat there on the bed last Tuesday, I realized.

I’m burning out.

Three days later my application for a year’s leave from my studies was printed, signed and posted to my school. After a few fast consultations in order to not make the wrong decision, I pulled the emergency break. I have to step back before it hits “for real”. Maybe it already has, but I’m hoping I’m good. I’m starting school again next fall, until then I’m gonna work, save some money, hang out with friends; argue with tattooers about recycling (Does this belong in the trash? Does it? Hm?) and keep a LOT of lists until my memory gets better.

Tonight, I’m just lying across my bed, with my laptop propped up in my lap. The orange whiff from a scented candle lingers around the room, and my roomie entered and gave me a bowl of extra-MSG cheese puffs from the American shelf at the store. From the living room, soft oriental music and the stories unfolding from the boys’ roleplay session keeps me perfectly entertained. This is the first weekend in a long time where I don’t have pressing things to do, and I just have to realize it so I can take a breath and relax.

Live in the now, and not the past or the future.